body language

nightmare

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 03:10:39 -0400

I keep having a variation on the same nightmare I had since I was a child.

Tonight it was about me visiting my mother’s cousin, except he lived in a house out in the country. For some reason he lived there with my sister and his own children. He put me in the worst room - something about it felt off. And then I felt all these vacant stares because none of them were who they said they were. And then the paralyzing fear hits me in my gut. None of them are who they seem to be. And I run as fast as I can outside. It’s broad daylight. I try to call a cab and I get through, but when I try to get out of the country estate I find it’s a maze with the same graffiti “LARCHMONT” scrawled on every wall like a slur or a gang sign. I can’t get out I can’t get out I can’t get out who are they who are they get me out of here where am i oh god

and then I wake up with my heart bursting from my chest

back at one

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 22:31:05 -0400

one, you’re like a dream come true

two, just wanna be with you

three, girl it’s plain to see, you’re the only one for me

he played this song as he held me in his arms and stroked my hair and face

how could a girl not melt

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Thu, 28 Jun 2012 22:29:15 -0400

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Sat, 23 Jun 2012 10:43:12 -0400

Photo

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 10:42:56 -0400

New best thing ever

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 10:34:42 -0400

Pineapple chobani. NOM.

Wonder

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 00:16:14 -0400

I wonder what it would be like to be loved, not used, by a significant other.

I wonder what it would be like to have my father back in my life.

I wonder if I can ever forgive my sister.

I wonder if I’ve distanced myself from my own mother.

I wonder if I’ll always be this alone.

I wonder if I’ll be able to manage the depression I’m hiding once I start working.

I wonder what it would feel like to not be fat, or better yet, be thin.

I wonder what it would feel like to be happy with myself, to live without this incredible sense of guilt, to know what it is to be confident, to find security in someone who I love and trust.

"Now here you go again — you say you want your freedom. Well, who am I to keep you down?"

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 16:24:00 -0500

“Now here you go again — you say you want your freedom. Well, who am I to keep you down?”

- Fleetwood Mac

Photo

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 12:38:55 -0500

Racing thoughts

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 03:52:00 -0500

I can’t calm my mind down. So many thoughts and memories are ready to steal the sleep away from me as soon as I close my eyes. First I feel him on top of me in that moment when he took what was his. Then I hear his voice like it came through the phone two days ago, husky and deep. Then I see the flecks of gold in his dark brown eyes. Then I smell the scent of him, just him, the sweat and the skin. Then I taste him. And I just can’t seem to sleep because my senses are crying out for what’s not theirs. What can never be theirs. Who I love and have loved for six years. And the irrational voice in my head screams, you stupid, fat, ugly bitch, you never deserved him anyway, while the rational voice in my head resists, but it’s losing, and all I know anymore is “crazy” and “huge” and “ignorant” and “worthless.” Nothing my grades or salary or friends will tell me can really persuade me otherwise. Mind you, I’m constantly playing a game of distracting myself. Drinking, studying, web-browsing, whatever it takes to lose myself. But when I close my eyes, the entire system rebels against the will of my heart. My heart, my sad and broken heart, which was ironically the strongest part of me, loves him so much that it is willing to let him go even if my body and mind self-destruct.

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Tue, 21 Feb 2012 14:43:11 -0500

I don't know

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 23:48:38 -0500

Date the boy who makes significantly less money than me, who I like, but who has a kid by his ex?

Or be alone, nursing an old and diseased past relationship, dwelling in the past and being nothing in the present, but holding out for a better future?

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Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:48:31 -0500

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Sun, 19 Feb 2012 11:55:20 -0500

I've come to the conclusion that I'm crazy

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 17:53:36 -0500

Or my life is crazy.

My doorman asked me out the day after Valentine’s Day. I said yes, and then I realized what I did and cancelled on him.

I’m a horrible person.

I also think too much.

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Thu, 16 Feb 2012 16:59:15 -0500

i fucking hate mysdldf

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:33:37 -0500

i don’t care anymore

i hurt everyone i love and don’t deserve to live

useless fat piece of shit

useless

fat

shit

hate myself

os so sosososos much

i dhsouldn’t drink anymore

hello world

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 01:24:49 -0500

unfortunately i just don;t give a fuck anymre

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Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:22:47 -0500

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Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:52:15 -0500