I wonder what it would be like to be loved, not used, by a significant other.
I wonder what it would be like to have my father back in my life.
I wonder if I can ever forgive my sister.
I wonder if I’ve distanced myself from my own mother.
I wonder if I’ll always be this alone.
I wonder if I’ll be able to manage the depression I’m hiding once I start working.
I wonder what it would feel like to not be fat, or better yet, be thin.
I wonder what it would feel like to be happy with myself, to live without this incredible sense of guilt, to know what it is to be confident, to find security in someone who I love and trust.
I can’t calm my mind down. So many thoughts and memories are ready to steal the sleep away from me as soon as I close my eyes. First I feel him on top of me in that moment when he took what was his. Then I hear his voice like it came through the phone two days ago, husky and deep. Then I see the flecks of gold in his dark brown eyes. Then I smell the scent of him, just him, the sweat and the skin. Then I taste him. And I just can’t seem to sleep because my senses are crying out for what’s not theirs. What can never be theirs. Who I love and have loved for six years. And the irrational voice in my head screams, you stupid, fat, ugly bitch, you never deserved him anyway, while the rational voice in my head resists, but it’s losing, and all I know anymore is “crazy” and “huge” and “ignorant” and “worthless.” Nothing my grades or salary or friends will tell me can really persuade me otherwise. Mind you, I’m constantly playing a game of distracting myself. Drinking, studying, web-browsing, whatever it takes to lose myself. But when I close my eyes, the entire system rebels against the will of my heart. My heart, my sad and broken heart, which was ironically the strongest part of me, loves him so much that it is willing to let him go even if my body and mind self-destruct.
Date the boy who makes significantly less money than me, who I like, but who has a kid by his ex?
Or be alone, nursing an old and diseased past relationship, dwelling in the past and being nothing in the present, but holding out for a better future?
Or my life is crazy.
My doorman asked me out the day after Valentine’s Day. I said yes, and then I realized what I did and cancelled on him.
I’m a horrible person.
I also think too much.
i don’t care anymore
i hurt everyone i love and don’t deserve to live
useless fat piece of shit
useless
fat
shit
hate myself
os so sosososos much
i dhsouldn’t drink anymore
